Never Want to Be Pregnant Again

A whole lot of people take read my web log post on how contemplative I feel at times about the fact that my seven-yr-old son is my last child.

Just I have to be completely honest– While there'due south a part of me that will always miss the baby and preschool years now that my children have left them behind, there's also a role of me that'due south doing a major happy dance over the fact that I volition NEVER, EVER, NOT. EVER. Be Meaning AGAIN.

Yes, friends, I'm simply going to come out and say it. Pregnancy sucked. And while, trust me, I was beyond grateful that I could go pregnant and then happy and relieved that good for you babies resulted from both of my pregnancies, I'm likewise going to have a little fun here and list all the reasons I'm glad, and then very glad, that the pregnancy stage of my life is over forever.

Are you ready? Let'south do this.

ane. That "Tell no one for the offset 3 months" policy was total bullsh*t.

I mean, I understand the reasoning backside keeping pregnancy a secret during the outset trimester, but I absolutely hated keeping my big news to myself– especially since to outsiders, it appeared that I was gaining weight, sleeping effectually the clock, crying at the drop of a hat, and spending an inordinate amount time in the restroom FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

By my second pregnancy, I told the whole unabridged globe within hours –hours– of taking a pee test from the Dollar Tree. Because I'chiliad swish like that.

5. There is no such thing every bit cute motherhood habiliment.

Seriously. There isn't. I don't care if you lot spent $20 or $200 on a motherhood elevation, it is nonetheless just a fabric tent for your ginormous belly– AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKS Like.

3. I could not. End. Sleeping.

Information technology was bad enough trying to fit a two hour nap into my piece of work schedule each day (luckily, I worked from home both times I was pregnant)- but my pregnancy slumber needs were specially annoying when my hubby and I took a pre-baby trip to Seattle soon later I got pregnant, and I spent 2 or iii hours snoring in the hotel room every single day of our holiday. He was very nice about it, but I'm sure it wasn't exactly the best holiday he's always had.

4. Morning sickness blew chunks. (Heh.)

Okay, I'm lying about this one. I had no morning sickness. None.

But don't hate me but even so– I had some other problem.

My obstetrician had warned me that during pregnancy, my occasional, mild migraines might get worse. She was right. OH LORD was she e'er correct. During both of my pregnancies, I got the virtually excruciatingly painful migraines yous could possibly imagine- migraines that fabricated my arm and the side of my face tingly and numb, that fabricated me see spots and develop tunnel vision, and that, i memorable morning time, left me unable to form coherent words for a full 30 minutes of I-must-exist-dying terror. I am so glad that's over. So glad.

5. Two words I hope I'll never have to hear again: Transvaginal Ultrasound.

I was having sharp pains early on in my beginning pregnancy then I went in for an early sonogram. Imagine my horror when the ultrasound tech handed me what looked like a dildo with a condom on it and told me that using information technology was the only mode they could get the images they needed. WHAT THE WHAT?! As embarrassing every bit this is to write near, it was about 1,000,000 times more humiliating to Alive THROUGH Information technology. Never once more, you lot guys. Never. Over again.

6. Pregnancy constipation? It'due south epic.

Everyone has trouble pooping sometimes, right? Only during pregnancy, it's dissimilar. It'south AWFULLY different. It's heed-bogglingly, OMG-I-might-end-up-in-the-emergency-room-for-this-and-and so-I-will-die-of-embarrassment unlike.  In retrospect, maybe pregnancy constipation is just our bodies giving united states of america a lilliputian gustation of what childbirth volition feel like. You have my permission to write your doctoral thesis on this subject if y'all'd like.

7. The but sexual practice talk going on in my bedroom while I was pregnant involved guessing the gender of the baby.

Like many men out there, my husband was concerned near somehow inadvertently hurting the baby during our, ahem, concrete relations. Thus, during both pregnancies we were less like bunnies in the bedroom and more like… Galápagos tortoisedue south. Do you lot get my drift?

8. For nine long months, there was no sushi. No alcohol. No coffee. No tuna. No alcohol. No peanut butter. No luncheon meat. No brie. No alcohol. No deli meats. No swordfish. No herbal tea. No alcohol. etc. etc. et-frigging-c.

OMG, y'all, the listing is endless. Practically everything that's fun to imbibe or consume has been plant to be detrimental to your unborn child. This was especially frustrating to me because…

9. I was deeply, truly, madly hungry every second of every minute of every hour of every 24-hour interval.

Especially during the tertiary trimester, I was never not starving. PLUS, there was the fact that nutrient never tasted as good as it did while I was pregnant, which seems like a skillful thing now- at least until I remember that it contributed in a major way to number 10 on my list…

10. I gained 70 pounds during both pregnancies. SEH. VEN. TEE.

I had every intention of being one of those annoying mommies-to-be who simply gained weight in my abdomen and stayed tiny everywhere else… merely no. I was never not hungry, call up? Consequently, I blew upwards like the Goodyear Blimp– both times. EVEN MY NOSE GAINED WEIGHT. And while breastfeeding definitely helped accept some of the pregnancy pounds off, it took YEARS to lose it all.

11. I never take to worry over again near growing a third boob.

Read this. Then share it with any teenage girls you know, because I believe it could be a very effective form of birth control.

12. No more cankles.

By my tertiary trimester, any time I was standing for more than an hour, my ankles and feet swelled to elephantine proportions. Put yourself in my (now way-also-modest) shoes: You experience bad, you look bad, you look down and… you accept cankles. Well played, pregnancy. Well played.

13. Strangers rubbed my abdomen. Like, a lot.

It's truly astonishing how many people thought it was okay to just walk right up and rub my belly while I was pregnant. What was with that, anyway? Did they call back I was going to grant them a freaking wish? GAH.

14. I was intimately acquainted with every public restroom in Nashville.

At least, that's the manner it seemed at the time. I needed a pee break, like, every 15 minutes, and OH THE Desperation if I had to look in line. Those were definitely non skillful times.

15. Anybody wanted to share their pregnancy horror stories with me.

It was every bit if my big pregnant belly was a hypnotic spiral that compelled every woman who saw it to run up to me and share her personal story of how the umbilical string wrapped around her baby'southward neck and almost strangled it. Or how she bled out and almost died during her c-section. Or how she developed pre-eclampsia and was on bedrest at the hospital for months. Or how her baby was born two months early.

Seriously, ladies? Did you lot really need to tell me these things WHILE I WAS Pregnant?

No. You did not. STFU.

16. I  was constantly worried that something would get wrong.

This was due in part to number fourteen, but horror stories also abounded in every pregnancy book and mag and website and message board that I looked at while significant. According to everyoneintheworld, a whole lot of things tin go wrong while yous are pregnant, and by the fourth dimension you actually have your first child, you volition know about every. Single. One of them. I guarantee it.

17. I had to compete with my husband's 'sympathy pregnancy.'

Most husbands gain pregnancy weight correct along with their wives, but my husband was special– His sympathy pregnancy revealed itself as a strange compulsion to compare all of my symptoms with his own.

ME: Oh no, I think I feel another migraine coming on. Could yous delight grab those painkillers the doctor prescribed me?

HIM: You think You lot take a headache? I'VE had an allergy headache for the final three days! Information technology's driving me basics! I'll exist right back- I'm going to go option upwardly some Benadryl.

ME: The baby's position is making my dorsum hurt Then bad.

HIM: I know what you mean! I had to stand for two hours at work yesterday and MY dorsum's been killing me ever since! I recall I'll fix up an engagement with the chiropractor tomorrow!

ME: Here comes another labor pain! OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

HIM: Just a second, dear. I'm trying to massage out this tendonitis in my arm. You wouldn't believe how incredibly painful tendonitis is!"

Yous get the motion-picture show.

Dear ya, baby.

18. Random people'southward observations about my pregnancy fabricated me want to punch them in the throat.

"Wow, are you having twins?" one so-called friend asked when he ran into me while I was five months pregnant. "No, just one," I answered, frowning. "And you're only 5 months forth?" he asked. "Are you SURE you lot're not having twins?"

"You're seven months pregnant?" the cashier at the grocery asked me. "Wow, my sister is seven months pregnant and she's A LOT smaller than you!"

Cheers, asshats. Thanks a lot.

19. I notwithstanding had a twenty-four hours job, along with supervisors who weren't necessarily sympathetic to my condition.

I worked throughout both my pregnancies and it wasn't easy. At one point, I was producing a television evidence while I was eight and a half months significant and working effectually the clock to go information technology done. I'll never forget when my supervisor called me on the telephone and screamed at me until he was hoarse because I dared to take Saturday off in order to residuum and recover. And this man had children of his ain. I hear stories like this from pregnant women all the fourth dimension- and it makes me really sorry.

xx. My unborn son gave me an internal beatdown I volition never forget.

My girl was very overnice while still in the womb. She would politely rearrange herself from fourth dimension to time and I'd concur my belly and smile tenderly.

My son was another story.

Apparently, the kid was doing push-ups and squats while in utero, because when he arrived two weeks early, he weighed in at a very solid ten pounds. As you lot tin can imagine, my last month of my pregnancy with him was agony- He punched and kicked and stomped and windmilled until I'yard pretty sure that all of my internal organs were hobbling. Happiness was the day my water broke.

21. 'Walk of Shame' took on a whole new meaning.

Many women rush to the infirmary when they're in labor, only to be told that their cervix hasn't dilated enough for them to be assigned to a room. At this point, the poor pregnant woman, clad only in a hospital gown, is instructed to walk around and around the maternity ward for an hr, in an attempt to get things going.

"Tin can I at to the lowest degree put my clothes dorsum on?" I whispered when this happened to me.

"No," the nurse replied. "Nosotros've already checked you in. I hesitated. "Don't worry," she said briskly. "Y'all'll come across lots of other women out at that place doing the same thing."

Um. No, Nurse. I didn't. What I did see were dozens and dozens of strangers who had come up to the maternity ward to meet their friend'due south/family member'due south/co-worker'south new baby. And what they saw was a hugely pregnant woman with bedhead and an exposed backside, crying from hurting and embarrassment and staggering downwards the hall. Fortunately, my mother allow me borrow her oversized Chanel sunglasses in an attempt to make me less noticeable.

I'm sure that helped a lot.

22. Childbirth was literally the virtually embarrassing moment of my entire life.

First, let me say that I was THRILLED and RELIEVED that the feel ended in a salubrious, screaming (24 hours a day for the next six weeks in one case) baby– just a continuous parade of medical-type people doing foreign and mysterious and often painful things between my legs is not my idea of a skillful fourth dimension. From the knowledge that many things were likely coming out of my body as I pushed similar I had never pushed earlier, to my entire family inbound the delivery room to run across the baby while I was still spreadeagled on the commitment table, to the grim-faced nurse who insisted on watching me go to the bathroom right after I had delivered a child for god's sake, the whole thing was just ane long string of humiliating moments, start to stop.

23. But wait! There was more!

Afterward pregnancy, the infirmary sends you lot home with all kinds of personal mementos, all of which point that you've truly hit stone lesser. At that place are the enormous absorbent pads that you sleep on top of every night and then that y'all won't stain your mattress. There are the sexy mesh pregnancy panties, which are literally the about horrifying slice of habiliment that I have ever put on my body. There's the handy-bang-up eject canteen, which you are to use in lieu of toilet newspaper. In that location are the hemmorhoid pads. Gotta dearest hemmorhoid pads! And there'south the prescription for stool softener. You lot leave that hospital knowing you lot are in for an awesome two weeks.

24. Breastfeeding was not what I idea it would exist.

Okay, so technically breastfeeding happens subsequently the pregnancy, only the two are related, so I'one thousand going to include it hither. Particularly during the outset few weeks, breastfeeding, for me, was a living hell. Information technology hurt and then bad for the outset two weeks that I'd cry just anticipating the adjacent feeding. It was often uncomfortable, it was awkward to have to exercise it in front of other people (and with 4 kids that all needed me to drive them places, I had no choice but to do it while nosotros were out and most), and the hospital-grade milking machine we bought to aid with the chore was a nightmare in and of itself. I breastfed considering information technology's what the doctors recommended, just I wasn't deplorable at all to give it upwards.

25. I accept quite enough stretch marks now, thankyouverymuch.

Pregnancy definitely messed with my physique, particularly the 2nd time around when I became a human being punching bag for my unborn son. I'm glad I won't be submitting my body to another round.

Yes, friends. Pregnancy sucked– only if I had do practice it all over again?

I wouldn't hesitate.

I at present take two kids whom I love across reason- They've rocked my world, tested my sanity, and fabricated my life complete.

And I have to admit– Every time I concur a infant, I think for merely a moment about how much fun it would exist to practice all of this over again.

Nuts, isn't it?

That's motherhood for yous.

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Images: 1. Sarah/Flickr, 2. Katie Tegtmeyer/Flickr 3. Ryan Vaarsi/Flickr, 4. Emergency Intermission/Flickr, v. Motherhood Motherhood, vi. Exlax.org, 7. Boston Public Library/Flickr 8. Morguefile, 9. Ben Britten/Flickr, 10. Peter Dutton/Flickr, eleven.Morguefile, 12. Dog4aDay/Flickr, xiii. Katina Rogers/Flickr, 14. Morguefile  15. Possible/Flickr 16. Alan Antiporda/Flickr, 17. TatianaVDB/Flickr 18. Matt P/Flickr 19. Morguefile, xx. Christopher Luna/Flickr, 21. Frances Bijl/Flickr,  22. Matthew Gosselin/Flickr, 23. Amazon, 24. Daniel Modo/Flickr, 25. Patrick Fitzgerald/Flickr

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